2 favorites - Alternate issue review
if you think this is cloud rap you should kill yourself
july 9th:
this review is kinda nothing, a bit too much string of thought because im sad and i dont have anywhere to really put this on or anything like that. this is empty stuff, im replicating other reviews i enjoy and their expressions and their formatting or whatever but i cant do it as good, i havent lived that much life, i havent been that much person. its kinda what i make music about, im not really human in that way. not to say im a goat or whatever, i just think im missing some core understanding of emotions and shit. idk maybe thats autism but nobody describes it like that. also i had a lot more thoughts on certain rambling but i felt like it was too much nothingness so i cut it off
in january and the tail start of february of this year i was in a fling with this person (who shall go unnamed for all of eternity until every sun in every system dies or fizzles out or stops giving light or whatever happens to them) and i talked to them a lot about music and whatnot. we have very different tastes (namely, it loves My Living Tombstone which is something i could never find myself liking) in music but it still let me introduce it to this album, my favorite one ever. i dont think it really cared that much, but something about that time still stuck with me. every time i hear this album it feels like its done just as it started, and i always gain something new out of it. this time what i got back is that this is an awful album to show to someone youre trying to love.
the relationship fizzled out because i wasnt ready to love someone at that time ((i am aromantic, shocker!)) and it always felt a bit weird to talk to it afterwards. i remember i kinda had this massive hole after it stopped talking to me, but whatever.
a few weeks later, february 13th, i was playing eye divine cybermancy (awesome goated game) with a friend whilst this person was looking, and i get a call from a family member i havent talked to in a while. she tells me that my uncle has cancer and that shes trying to get in contact with that side of the family so they can sort anything out, so i give her the number of someone and try to forget about it as i play more. bummer, shocker, whatever you will. i was trying to have fun, i was trying to spend the day with a friend, not think about even more cancer in the family.
the next day, i listened to Call Me Maybe all day and i heard J Dilla's Donuts somewhere in there too. my uncle was dead. i didnt call anyone, and i told my dad but he didnt really care. i woke up that day to maybe ten? fifteen? messages from the person i couldnt date asking me about a very wrong thing i did but i think i got out of it kind of easily. i guess. id like to go more into detail about that but its still a thing im doing so i cant really. it sucks, and im a bad and terrible person.
the next paragraph is one of these two because im an awful writer and didnt know where to place these events
1. theres this reviewer called spiritof77 (mike) who tragically died about a decade and change ago. my friend introduced me to his reviews and showed me his review of j dilla's circles. that review is kind of a much better version of this one, it has better expressions and thoughts and stories and whatnot. theres a lot to love in that album but maybe even more to love in that review. its part journal, part look into a dead person.
as i write this im listening to a song by that friend (sorry buddy), its some indistinguishable singing over guitar and drums that itch my brain the right way. i dont know. theres something very sweet about the song and his singing. its weird to think that im one of few people in the world who knows about that song, who knows about his music, whatever. the rest of his music isnt all that great in comparison, but this specific song is pretty nice.
2. in june, i showed the album to a friend whilst we were waiting for pe class. we were outside, swinging, and i played a couple songs for him (liara, ballad of a poor man, neon kitchen, and call me maybe, in that order) as well as some songs by other artists. he said he liked it, i dont really know if he did or what he thought but thats what he told me. im happy with that! i really am. i enjoy seeing people tell me they like things. but i still kinda had this pit from the last time i showed someone the album in full.
i still have the date memorized and i took a screenshot of the page on my lastfm from when i listened with it, 8-9am of february 7th. it was nice outside, blue and stuff. i remember defending myself and the album's copious porn samples by justifying it under the pretense of artistic expression, showing his crippling porn addiction or whatever. i dont disagree with it, but idk, i guess i just felt pretty attacked getting told that this was a "freaky" album. (i hate that word. i really do. we abandoned so many better words for "freaky" and "goon". what happened?)
i kinda lost track of my timeline, but idk. somewhere in may or april or whatever i was relistening to call me maybe again (i was writing a proper denser review of the album and the song, which you can see a bit of here Call Me Maybe (多分)), and something really clicked about the song that time. i was a couple days in to writing the review, and had been looking at wwe wikipedia pages for longer than id like to admit (keep in mind none of these people are popular here so i needed a bit more background than most), and as i was watching a hell in a cell match with the undertaker vs shawn michaels (sampled in call me maybe), i kinda had an epiphany. i dont remember it exactly, it wasnt words i could put into paper or click onto the rym box oir my website or whatever, but it changed my outlook on life. it felt more positive. what i did write down was that, that fight conveyed devon's fight perfectly, with him being the underdog of the fight and eventually winning, but i think it doesnt mean much to anybody unless you care as much about the song as i do which i dont think most do. people like it but its not on the same level as me. not to hate. i just dont think people relisten to this album a lot let alone the amount i do. i dont think people are getting any epiphanies on their first listen or whatever. i dont know. i got lost somewhere in there.
anyway, life felt nice for a couple of days. i had a much more positive outlook, like, if this military veteran could keep on living after all his injustices, then surely i could. surely there was a purpose to this life. --ive always said that i would kill myself when i finished my music, but i know its not true. regardless, ive had "finishing my music" as my life goal , even if i dont really know what that means. its kinda scary, but i dont think im one to finish what i start, so if anything i kind of saved myself there . i wish it was all easier to understand-- and call me maybe kind of went and opened those pearly gates of knowledge to my brain, like the hoary wraths of ice or whatever job is about. gates of orion. i think thats what it was. "out of whose womb did you come from?" . i think i mixed all three of those parts up, i dont know. ((im talking about job from the bible . its like 28th chapter or something i dont remember right now just look up Bible job orion and it should pop up ((((I Just did that and its job 38:31)))))))
eventually, the fling i had with this person and a negative experience (<- looking at kiwifarms for a total of 5minutes (im serious)) kinda crippled me emotionally for the next few days. im not sure why i got so sad after that, but i did. it felt like nothing could really save me. and still, i listened to this stupid little album. i let it cling and wrap itself around my soul like i had room for a penthouse. i am a landlord of myself and the ghostpop tape and i dont charge rent because i hate landlords. whores!
i survived the sadness i guess, but every time it happens i leave lesser than i started. i guess i could say something about outsiders here, i kinda feel like one at times. but that term isnt good probably. i like it. but maybe i just . i dont know. hard to articulate. this album still finds me every time i get lost though. its kind of like some of my friends. they dont have a rope or a way out or anything, but they provide comfort because theyre in the same ditch as i am. ((<- thats actually kind of a lie some of my friends never reassure me on anything i kinda hate that of them . but whatever))
somewhat in that similar train, but this june i felt very sick for whatever unknown reason. i couldnt really move, i felt nauseous, and other nastiness. i told my dad, even though i usually never try to, and he didnt really take it all too well. despite my head feeling way too hot, he thought the smartest thing to do was to make me sleep next to our heater, and i tried to fight him back on it but he just kinda screamed and got mad at me. not great. that night i watched some friends play a game i dont remember and cried. im not really one to cry, so i stopped watching to see if that would change anything. i think the crying came from my dad screaming but maybe also the thought of seeing people happy to be in each other's presence or whatever. i dont know. just feeling like an outsider at times. ((i guess something could be said about subterranean homesick alien or whatever, that song is nice. i also wish the aliens would take me from my bed and show me new worlds)) i put on call me maybe to see if it would change anything (since this was after the song clicked for me) but i ended up just crying significantly more. it was pretty miserable.
the next morning i woke up fine, wasnt feeling sick, although my ear was plugged and stayed that way for a few weeks.
some more things;
sometime in the later end of july: another one of those days... i find myself listening to Call Me Maybe again. someone i blocked some two years ago tried to get back into my life today, they messaged a friend of mine and showed them screenshots for whatever reason. nothing seems to have come out of it, and i think they went away now, but idk. just made me a bit sad. i woke up today at nearly 8pm , and only some maybe 20 minutes after that this all happened. it was just a lot, yknow? you ... the non-existant reader of it all... what do you think?
anyway i got a bit lost there, point is that now i feel a bit more separated from my friendss or something. yknow? weird to me to think that , these people ... really care !! yknow ??????????? yknow,,, yknow.... haha :>
sometime in august: ^ yeah that was the beginning of another dissociative episode. bummer. things quickly got worse after that, and theyre... fine...? for now? which is better than nothing. i do currently find myself in something worse though. i think i must have some inability to process love now..? i definitely used to be able to do this. i remember loving my mom, i remember loving some of the first people i dated.. but as it stands, i find myself in a relationship (bummer, i know) and im incapable of loving her. what? huh? i find myself in admittedly a lot of struggle over this.
as it stands i think i have some drinking problems (no shit) but i didnt realize how much it got to me? ive started struggling with my memory and recalling shit for a while now, about idk how many months, but now its also extended to emotions which isnt very cool. i used to believe i was aromantic in some form because im a piece of shit but as it stands im in a relationship and i cant process that im in love with that person. its not entering my mind. so maybe i really am. maybe i wasnt cut out for this.
im currently listening to sakura, thinking of the impending day where i cut this thing off (because i have to, right? is this gonna change? i dont think im going to be able to process this ever) and its just scary. i dont think im cut out for loving ... which is funny i guess
another thing about this album
theres this person on youtube that uploaded the album in full somewhere in 2018 or 2019, on a channel that they had only used previously for club penguin videos. i never really paid attention because im a soulseek slut but i read the description the other day and it described that he uploaded the album to youtube because his friend, who he originally ran the club penguin channel with, had died, and that this album really helped him cope with the death, and that it felt like he wasnt alone when he listened. i feel much the same.
sometimes when im really focusing on the music, i can kinda see visions of it. the project files, the sequencers, i dont think ive ever used any of the sounds in this album, but i can imagine plugins and their settings, and how the knobs were tweaked for it. its weird. anyway, i also see two visions of his apartment when making this album (theyre both dimly lit) , 1) i see like. dark and green and purple shit. you ever take a photo in a dark room on a camera with its exposure rate set to like 0.2s or something? thats pretty much what i see. 2) this is the more prominent one, i see the dude's "apartment" (house, first floor, but it felt more convenient to call it an apartment) door open, for anybody to enter, and his laptop plugged to some speakers, a midi keyboard, some more bullshit idk. he has reason 6 open on the laptop, the same reason ive been trying to get working for the better part of 6 months, and hes working on bubblegum crisis. i really like that song. the bass on it sounds very clean (but only if you listen on speakers). when i was home alone i used to listen to it a lot. it was nice. i heard this album a lot when i was home alone.
one day ill write about me leaving my house and all its evil in a car playing this. maybe. maybe i wont be listening to anything when i do that. maybe ill never leave. but im repeating myself
conclusion 2
this is pop music for ghosts and all the people with hollow bits of their soul and personality somewhere out there. but thats a bit pretentious. this is moreso music by someone deeply affected by a sad life. i wish better for him. this album helped me too, but i think the only real cure for any of this is to make it. if you want to kill yourself, maybe make an album instead. if it sucks it sucks, and if it doesnt, then maybe someone in a decade will find your avant-garde noise album on bandcamp.
conclusion 3
i got carried out of hand with that last one
all the dead and missing people in my life talk to me through this album and what would i be if i didnt let them talk to me. my living friend tells me to ignore what i think after 9pm but im usually not awake before then and ignoring everything is kinda hard sometimes. i wish if i threw my thoughts out into a pendrive in a bottle and to the sea, that someone would find them and care. but theres not really anything worth caring for in all i say, so its okay. as much as i wish things i said had lasting impacts on people, i have to let things go. i have to let this review end eventually at some point, even though its kinda nothing as it stands.
conclusion 1 (the better one of the three)
i had more thoughts, but i forgot them along the way. this album is nice. its helped me deal with dead people and people that would rather be dead than talk to me. its helped me reason it all in such a weird universe. the internet too. i miss my mom, i kinda miss the fling, i miss some friends i stopped talking to, i miss people i know (and didnt know) that died. whatever. theres ghosts haunting this album and thats why its called ghost pop. maybe one day ill be one of those but this wasnt written for me to wish that.
conclusion 4
ill probably kill myself before finding some solace or comfort or way of snapping out of this. i think of dead people too much and theyve all taken up my life
december: im better now. im still sad, im still not myself, im still not whatever i want to be... but im doing better. and i have hope some day i will find solace. i know this, i trust this. maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next year. but itll all be good before i die.
[June 28th, 2026:
50 weeks and change after I wrote this and I have somehow managed to observe all up and all below the emotions I was feeling when I first wrote this review. I feel so weird about writing in general and as much as I find comfort in obfuscation I don't think I'll ever write anything like this again. And that's okay. I think it's okay to let go.
When asked to select which account I should unban, a part of me thought I should have picked elephas for an unban instead. I didn't pick elephas. I think I'll spend the rest of my life going over this (or however long it takes for RYM staff to have a change of heart and start handing out unbans for money or whatever) and whether I did the right thing or not, and I don't think I'll ever arrive at a definitive conclusion. In the end, is this really important writing? What's lost with elephas gone? Personally, I have an avenue and audience gone, but that writing isn't gone! I never wrote something which I thought could save a life, or change it, or whatever else, so I don't think in the macrocosm of un-re-reality I actually changed much, but within whatever few specks of sand I can control I think that account meant a little something.
And it's gone!
So it goes.]