To answer or explain all below: Living this way is a form of sheltered negligence and desperate unsuccessful chasing of bliss.
$$ 1
We were young bodyvoids under the shine of the moon. I had fantasized of that moment for my whole life up to that point. I remember my father one time told me something about stars, and now there I was sitting beside one. In the cold embrace of minorities we found eachother, and within it we built a pillow fort we nicknamed "Castle In Coloria". It was great and majestic, it was hundreds of pillows tall, nobody could enter but us. We were great. You asked me if I had ever done a playfight in the past, and I didn't know what that was. We were great, we were none the wiser, we were both young and unknown. We were young bodyvoids under the shine of the moon...
$$ 2
Listening to The Moon wondering what will be of this. I had lots of weird thoughts yesterday and I was none the wiser towards what gave me my own hypothetical visions of Sonia Moria, but I know one of these days I'll be passing by your home just like I passed by my old highschool last decade, and that home will no longer be either of ours, we will not be anything anymore, and I'm scared for what this will really mean. Is this nothing?
I passed by the home in the early morning hours today. Didn't take a picture, didn't make a comment. I think the people by the nearby bus stops have started getting accustomed to this odd new uncertainty lingering by the neighborhood. All the lights in the stories above were off, but the streetlights were on so as to guide my cold weary soul. I hope I don't have to forget this. I hope I don't have to forget anything.
$$ 1
...and now I look west.
In the abandonment I had to engage with a few weeks ago I remember you committing yourself so much deeper to it than I expected. In the past you asked me to playfight, and this led to me crying and being kind of inconsolable for a little while, but when time came for a real argument you kind of up and left before I could say much more to explain myself. You said I'd know where to find you, but I haven't kept up with you on social media in a couple years now, so... not really, not anymore. We are separate and we will never reunite, and that is for the best, but I still miss you from time to time. We did not understand eachother and very often I found you completely opposed to my being, but from time to time there was this scarce comfort in our derived color addition.
$$ 3
This guy I don't really talk to contracted tuberculosis which is a real tragedy as far as I'm aware.
$$ 2
Do you actually want me to let you into my life? I wish you read these. I'm thankful you don't.
$$ 1
I remember this guy I was alluding to earlier was in constant up and arms because I could not bear myself to open up and "be" in the same sense he was. This was okay, by this time I was young and nothing and in constant lies so I obviously could not keep from piling on to my rolling snowball... but now that I don't live this anymore, now that we have parted ways and our boats will never touch or sink eachother's again, I wonder, will I be open? Is it okay to open oneself? Should I stay nothing forever? The other day I wrote "bodyvoids" as a remastered alludance to a poem from a few years ago (about a different guy) and I guess that's an accurate description for what's happening nowadays.
$$ 4
All those years ago when I described myself so thoroughly as a ghost, only tethered to this earth by social connections, about to float away at a moment's notice, transparent in "multiple ways" and layers, I never expected myself to stop understanding this vision. Obviously I still find some connection in all I said, in all I understand myself not to be and in the little I am, but there is a body here, light does not really pass through all of me, and I've kept myself busy for too long to let go anymore. Something beyond me would need to happen for me to leave now.
$$ 5
Tonight I walked by the franchised icecream place that used to be a (smaller) franchised coffee shop. We went there one time, it was nice. I think at that point in time I was too young, so I got an orange juice with a toasted sandwich. I remember thinking I would take all my friends to that place in the future, since it was real cozy and quiet and, more importantly, "cheap" by my judgement of never holding more than a coin in my hand. The economy plummeted and the place sunk, of course, so this never happened.
$$ 6
Let yourself stop being afraid.
There haven't been many times in life I've let things go.
When I was young, my mother contracted a terminal form of mammary cancer that took her by the time I turned twelve. I remember by the time I was moving onto highschool she had to ask around for a wheelchair so she could come see me graduate, and in the end she didn't even get to come, for doctors forbade her from visiting the outside world. Sometimes she would come back home for a few weeks, and then back to the hospital for a few more months. I remember after one time we visited, we got a pizza near the hospital and ate it at home, thinking about her. On the day she died my father took me to our roof, and he pointed me to the stars. He asked me if I knew what was up with them. I was quite clueless, but a few years prior, in some corner of the internet, I had seen that all the stars up above us are dead by the time we see them, so I told him if he was referring to that. He didn't confirm this, he just said my mom was up there now. I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried... I did not get a wink of sleep for a few days. Just a few months prior she was at home, coughing through the night, in absolute agony, but, home, with us, and we were talking about what we were going to do for my birthday in April of next year, and for hers in November, and Christmas and winter break and my first year of highschool... but I was none the wiser, of course. It took me years until after she died to even learn what got her. Nowadays I look at the stars fondly, as fondly as I look at ghosts and the like, and I find some shelter and company in all there. It's nice. It's nice knowing I'll be up there soon. She's gone up straying past the moon, she's gone up to take place in the Pleiades, and I know she's saved a spot for me.
$$ 7
I'm being a weird form of nothing today. Not sure what to make of any of this. I hope by tomorrow I'm washed up again, and I can't write more than a few sentences to save my life, and this blog dies and rots away begotten with the ways which took me.
...it's named "the ways." after the C'est la key song of the same name, you know. I've come to give it new imagined meaning just like with many other beauties of the universe, which in a way I think is artistic and enlightening and charitable. Philanthropic? Something beyond me. Again, again.
$$ 8
I just can't believe any of this.
$$ 9
