Liyala

If it's temporary: I hope you're better when you're back.

If it's forever:

I didn't know you. I was a passing light in your life because you found yourself entranced by my writing. For a long time I found myself heavily at odds with you because of this, and some part of me is currently wrestling if writing this right now is even appropriate because of it. You were a self-described-to-me intricate person with more layers underneath the surface, layers which you never got to show me. You were very curious, as a person and as an object of interest. You were in a subset of internet user I mocked, I never allowed myself to believe you really cared about what I was writing, but in your last few days you came to me and asked how I first learnt I was transgender. I struggled to give you an answer, for in all my time being this way, I never found the comfort in a complete belief that you must have been looking for, and I did not want to give you the same answer I had for myself, "I don't fully know it yet."

I don't fully know if you're gone yet, writing this is preliminary and based on our collective fear over you waving goodbye. You were always gloomy in my time but I know a thousand sad people so I did not take it to mean anything this far. I must admit in my past I've known other suicidal people (that acted in different ways), and I still know one person who disappeared for a few months, but what he did in those months is a mystery he chose not to share with any of us. Currently I sit wondering if you're doing the same or not.

You liked my writing. I appreciate that a lot. You even liked my writing on my first account, which you didn't know was mine. I told you about my album first and you never got to hear it, I apologize. I can't find it, nor can I find it in me, to do anything about now.

Knowing this little about you is complicated now. Wherever you are I hope you're better now. Our last conversation was me trying to explain to you what some terminology meant. 

Fly away in whatever wings you wanted most, dear. Rest in peace.

I think you learnt about this song because it was on a review of mine. If that was the case, then that pain I was describing still hurts, and maybe even more now, in a new way, in a new world.